When you drop the ball, how do you respond?
An exercise that looks at how we respond when we drop the ball, make mistakes, and the feeling of
shame that often arises.
Discuss with the group the feelings you get when you make mistakes (give examples) and feel embarrassed
(give examples). Ask people to reflect on how they personally deal with mistakes. In particular, this
exercise is used to focus on the feeling of ‘shame’ - ensure this is discussed. What are some of the
different ways we might respond to feelings of shame - constructive or destructive? List in 2 different
columns on a white-board.
Start a rhythm sequence involving different parts played in order around the circle, for example - Bass, 2
x Tone, Clap, Flam and repeat. Slowly speed up. When anyone loses the sequence, they have to say one
way they might respond in life when feelings such as shame arise from mistakes generally (drawn from
the pre-discussion content), and whether this is a useful response or not.
The first step in dealing with shame is to acknowledge what you’re feeling. It’s not always obvious that what
you’re feeling is shame. Sometimes you experience it as anger, irritability, defensiveness, procrastination, or
depression. Anger is often the response to feelings of shame.
Shame likes to hide. There’s a good reason people often say after telling an embarrassing story, “I wanted
to crawl in a hole.” You want to protect yourself from those who would deride you. It’s also important to
distinguish shame from guilt. Shame goes beyond guilt & involves a deep feeling of inadequacy. Guilt is a useful
emotion. It’s our conscience letting us know we’ve let ourselves down in some way. Feeling guilt may motivates
us to fix our mistakes and improve our behaviour. The important distinction is that guilt applies to our actions
and shame applies to our inherent value. Shame actually makes you less able to improve your behaviour. It
implies that you’re permanently, inherently bad, rather than affirming that you’re capable of growth.
Shame has other functions as well. For example, an overt display of shame can signal remorse to the people
around you. If you’re beating yourself up, they feel more inclined to let you off the hook. In this case, shame
performs a social function, preserving your connection to the community after you’ve done something bad.
Avoiding shame can become a lifetime pursuit – and become a way of keeping yourself stuck. You may feel like
you don’t deserve to be happy because you’re so rotten. Conveniently, this also spares you the effort of trying to
make positive changes in your life. Overcoming shame requires self-awareness, particularly of your inner
dialogue, self-compassion, self-acceptance, and forgiveness of self.